Another day, another 50 cents…no longer another dollar…PLEASE, get real.

With all these govt. bailouts of corrupt banks and corporations, what’s the incentive to make an honest dollar, or excuse me, 50 cents! So I have to say I am seriously considering taking on a part time job as a bank robber. I wanna rob from these corrupt institutions, and get my tax dollars back they stole from us with this GAZILLION dollar ‘bailout’… and I’ll give to the poor, which would be me, of course. You watch, after this ridiculous bailout, there’s gonna be a LOT more bank robberies. And what jury is going to convict me when I take the stand and point out, “Your Honor, my representative DID NOT vote for that bailout, and I was just taking back my portion of the tax dollars stolen from me!” At that point I get a standing O from the jury!!

 

Besides, bank robbing has changed so much from it’s violent, Bonnie and Clyde roots…to the point that it’s become one of the more ‘respectable’ criminal professions, and according to Sacramentojobs.com my profile is very well suited for the career. I’m a Dodgers fan, they’re usually Dodgers fans with the Dodgers hat(do hat motion) And the baseball hat look works for me, cause I tend to have a lot of bad hair days.

And bank robbers today are very courteous. Think about it…

They wait in line! If anyone had a license to cut to the front of the line, it would be the bank robber!

“Hey, hey! The line starts back there! Who do you think you are?”

“I’m a bank robber.”

“Oh, sorry, by all means…why didn’t you say so?

 

But no, they stand in line just like the rest of us, shaking their heads at the fact that there’s FIFTEEN windows and only 2 tellers working.

“This is ridiculous…If we ever do get to the front of the line, I’m giving her a piece of my mind!”

 

And when was the last time you heard of a bank robber shooting someone? They don’t put a gun in the tellers face anymore, what do they use? They use a NOTE…a HAND written note!

It doesn’t even have to be TYPED…although I would cause I’m a professional, Word Perfect of course, spell checked.

 

See, I wanna analyze this, because to me, this is the key to whether you’re a good bank robber or a bad bank robber (a professional or a hack). It’s ALL in the NOTE. So lets start with the greeting…

Could you get by with ‘Hi There’…”HI THERE” in your bank robbery note? I don’t think so, I think it should be more formal, don’t you? Probably ‘Dear Teller’…”Dear Teller”

What about the body of the bank robbery note, how long should it be? I’m thinking one, MAYBE two paragraphs…they say with a business letter anything more than that, and they don’t read it.

 

What about the signature line? Could you get by with ‘Very Truly Yours’? Sounds a little cheesy for a robbery note don’t you think? I’m thinking ‘Sincerely’, because you’d want to convey to the teller that your robbery note is sincere. Probably ‘Sincerely, Connie’, better not to use a last name I think, right?

 

And I would assume the banks would prefer the robbery note be written on one of their withdrawal slips. That’s what I’d do…I’d hate to wait in line all that time, and finally get up to the teller, and hand her the note, only to have her hand it back to me with a withdrawal slip…You’d feel like such a schmuck. You’d have to turn to the line of people waiting behind you, “I’m really sorry, I should have already filled this out…this’ll just take a second…Is today the 18th? My I.D., no, I’m sorry I don’t have my I.D., is that a problem, An account, no I’m sorry I don’t have an account here… No thanks I don’t want to discuss that with a personal banker…I’m sorry, but I am in a little bit of a hurry here –  You know at that point even I would have to pull out the 9mm: GIVE ME THE FREAKIN’ MONEY BITCH, and get some more tellers up here for this long line of tired customers BEFORE I BLOW YOUR FAKE PARIS HILTON BLEACH BLOND HEAD OFF!

 

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About Connie Bryan

Writer, comedian and musician, currently residing in Sacramento, CA. Former talk radio personality from Central Florida. Currently doing stand-up comedy and producing/hosting a local TV comedy/variety show on Access Sacramento Channel 17. Please see demo material on my website at www.conniebryan.com.

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