"What the Ficus?"

“What the Ficus?”

Greeter at Home Depot says to me, “Happy Arbor Day…You know you are TREE-rific”

 I said, “Yeah, and I’m also ‘SYCA-MORE’ holidays”(Sycamore is a type of tree, for our public school challenged readers).
Do you talk to your plants? I do. I’m home schooling mine right now, because ‘nursery schools’ are just a joke in California. My plants are learning quickly and have begun talking back. I try to teach them the right progressive values, ‘Save the Rainforest’, Equality of all plants, etc, but I have these two incorrigible Ficus trees I adopted at an Alabama Walmart…

They have become really abusive to my other plants…They constantly make fun of my “Mexican ChiaPet” and my “Wandering Jew”…They won’t even speak to my Irish plant, his name is “Phil O’Dendrum”…I have to water him 3 times a day, he drinks like a sailor! The two ficus trees HATE my beautiful interracial couple – my “Black Orchid” and “White Lily”. They are always bitching about how they need to be in separate flower pots. 

And if that isn’t bad enough, you should see how they treat my GAY plants…I have a “Morning Glory” and a “Venus Flytrap”. Recently they got married and pledged ‘photosynthesis’ to each other. All the other plants came and gave them this beautiful garden wedding ceremony. Of course the two Alabama ficus trees boycotted the wedding, and began shedding their leaves in protest. Turns out they are members of the Southern FICAS Convention. (Play on the “Southern Baptist Convention” for our public school challenged readers again)

It got so bad this past winter, I finally stuck their bigoted asses out on the patio as punishment. It was one of the coldest nights of the year, but I covered them up with a sheet so they’d be OK. In the middle of the night, I start hearing this loud chanting sound. I go out and find they’re holding a Ku Klux Klan rally under the sheets!
So now I keep them directly under my Dr. Martin Luther King “I Have a Dream Speech” Poster with a hacksaw lying against their pot. They finally got the message, and I haven’t heard another peep since, they’re even starting to want to watch Dave Chappelle with me and the other plants. Talking to your plants is a big responsibility.

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About Connie Bryan

Writer, comedian and musician, currently residing in Sacramento, CA. Former talk radio personality from Central Florida. Currently doing stand-up comedy and producing/hosting a local TV comedy/variety show on Access Sacramento Channel 17. Please see demo material on my website at www.conniebryan.com.

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