MarcMaronPic(This editorial begins with a portion of my standup act) 

“When you’re a comic, people love to ask you one question…’Who’s you’re favorite comedian?’

One of my favorite comics is Bill Maher. Not because I’m a doper or anything like that, because I’m definitely not down with Bill’s ‘legalize drugs’ mantra. But I do agree with Bill that it’s time we try something radically different…

How about this: Let’s send a message loud and clear, ‘You do drugs for RECREATION, you’re a F*%KING LOSER’…that being said, I do feel conflicted about METH…Methamphetamine… Actually, I feel kind of PATRIOTIC about Meth, because it’s the only thing left that Americans STILL PROUDLY MANUFACTURE! Just wait till the CHINESE start making our meth, like they’ve stolen every other manufacturing job from America…That’s when it will all be over for the U.S. 

And even marijuana…more and more studies are showing you don’t want your kids smoking pot in 2013. Not only is it like 30 times stronger than the weak shit in the 60’s, studies are showing it causes brain damage when used while the brain is still developing…And we now know the brain is still developing up to age 25! Unless you live in southern states, and then it’s age 5 as we’ve recently seen with Honey Boo Boo.

Dopers who want to legalize pot are always like to say that nobody’s ever O.D.’d on marijuana. I guess that depends on your definition of ‘overdose’…cause EVERY doper I’ve ever met always O.D.’s on STUPID!

You know how we all occasionally have thoughts that go through our head that we don’t mean? Like at some point, with the pressure of life weighing down on us trying to pay the bills, we all have had that thought, “Damn, if I could just be retarded…if I was just mentally handicapped, then I wouldn’t have any responsibility, I wouldn’t have to work, people would have to take care of me!”

Dopers are a different story though…they have that thought several times a day and they really MEAN it!: ‘Dude, you got any weed? Let’s get RETARDED man! C’mon, it’s 4:20, let’s get F*%KED UP!’ ”

Like I mention in my act, I’m a big fan of Bill Maher. But on the latest edition of his HBO show “Real Time”, he made the ignorant, off the cuff comment that legalizing marijuana should be seen as “THE NEW GAY MARRIAGE” (meaning we all know gay marriage needs to be legal nationwide, it’s going to happen, and EVERYONE agrees the same should be the case with pot). All I can say is WOW! If anything showcases the low character of marijuana users, it’s such a ‘douche bag’ statement as that – Taking the honorable, sacred importance of marriage equality for all citizens and reducing it to irresponsible losers’ desire to get high on drugs. You see what I mean about dopers overdosing on STUPID?

Bill’s guest on this particular episode was his likeminded buddy, comedian Marc Maron. Maron excitedly agreed with Bill’s premise, adding (insert typical pot head voice pattern) “Everyone smokes weed don’t they? Does anyone NOT smoke weed? I’ve never known anyone that didn’t smoke weed!” Hey Marc, I got a news flash for you: YES YOU HAVE, you just DON’T REMEMBER, LOL !

 

Unless you’ve never ventured out of HUMBOLDT COUNTY for your entire life Marc(just joking, what I’m saying holds true believe it or not even in Humboldt with more non users than users) you have most assuredly met more people who DON’T smoke pot than you have that do. The answer to your STUPID doper question: ‘Does anyone NOT smoke weed?’ is of course YES Marc. Most people DON’T get high on dope. And there’s at least a three simple reasons for that too, Marc and Bill…See, first of all, most of us GREW UP!

Secondly, when you still have most of your brain cells, it’s easy to remember that getting high on drugs for ‘recreation’ is unhealthy and retarded. It’s also a loser copout to need to escape reality with a drug high.

THIRDLY, and most importantly Marc and Bill, many people have actually had the thought come to mind that YOU may find a bit alien to your thought process…The thought that they’d like to try to SET THE RIGHT EXAMPLE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE!   

Dopers love to imagine bull shit, and declare that bull shit as reality – as exhibited by such an expression of drug ‘propaganda’ that EVERYONE gets high! If EVERYONE got high in America, it would be most assuredly over for the United States. As it is, our culture is becoming more and more morally bankrupt and violent with each passing year.

We aren’t teaching community values and ethical moral standards to our kids in school. Yet, schools give out condoms to children like candy and call it sex education. The emphasis is not on DOING THE RIGHT THING…it is on teaching children how to ‘hold back their cum’, to put it bluntly. We are going in a very sick direction at a rapid pace. Kids are finding LESS and LESS good role models, and MORE and MORE “Marc Marons” telling them they EVERYBODY’S getting high.

Though most in America still don’t use drugs, it is sad the significant degree of our population that do… specifically pot.  If a pot user finds out you don’t smoke weed, they think there is something wrong with YOU. It makes them feel very uncomfortable, and they laugh at you with their doper friends behind your back, sometimes to your face.I’ve begun my own ad-hoc empirical study on the whole ‘gateway drug’ issue regarding marijuana, and consistently I find that people who do harder drugs than pot virtually ALWAYS started with the drug marijuana first. And yes, not surprisingly they usually started with cigarettes before pot.

It is true that cigarettes and alcohol are also ‘gateway drugs’, but the difference is you can smoke a cigarette – of course that’s also pretty stupid and retarded knowing what we know now about cigarettes, and smoking pot is even worse than cigarettes because it has NO FILTER – but you can smoke a cigarette or cigar, or drink a beer or glass of wine WITHOUT getting HIGH. Sometimes dope advocates respond to that fact by angrily saying “No you can’t!”

Are you kidding me, I ask them? Are you high right now? Of course you can have a glass of wine or a beer and not even feel a buzz, let alone get drunk. Again, pot smokers love to say stupid things, because pot just naturally does that… Getting high by using a drug for ‘RECREATION’ is not only very stupid, it actually MAKES you very stupid… Hence the studies that are showing it causes brain damage while the brain is still developing(up to age 25). I haven’t met very many dope smokers who STARTED using marijuana AFTER age 25, have you? Well, maybe one of the 15 or 16 legitimate glaucoma or cancer medical pot users in California, but that’s about it.

Morality and civil rights INCLUDE marriage equality for all Americans, including gay people. That is a sacred truth. You can’t understand that, and then try to pull out of your ass the assertion that morality and civil rights just as equally includes RECREATIONAL DRUG USE…Such an opinion is more’ B.S. that dopers love to proclaim as truth’ – And it is classic proof that marijuana users DO overdose…they O.D. on STUPID. 

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About Connie Bryan

Writer, comedian and musician, currently residing in Sacramento, CA. Former talk radio personality from Central Florida. Currently doing stand-up comedy and producing/hosting a local TV comedy/variety show on Access Sacramento Channel 17. Please see demo material on my website at www.conniebryan.com.

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