CaitlynHillaryPicThe American people desperately need to feel like their voices are being heard…like they have some kind of impact, even if it doesn’t necessarily stop all the corruption and unethical practices of “The Establishment”. Bear with me…

Remember not long ago when Hillary was asked by a reporter, “Did you wipe your email server of any emails before turning it over to the FBI?” Remember her smart ass reply?  You have to imagine a voice with a blend of the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz and a squawking crow: “You mean like, WITH A CLOTH OR SOMETHING?”

It wasn’t just her effort to avoid answering the question…It was her grating, indescribably irritating tone of voice, combined with that deceptive, elusive effort that made me want to come through the TV screen…Instead, I found myself calling my dentist to schedule a double root canal I’d been putting off, because I was suddenly in the mood…

So I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and I came to the conclusion that it may be in America’s overall interest to make a “DEAL” with Hillary. Since we know our nation can’t afford to elect a “Carrot Top Jack in the Box” for Prez (Donald Trump), and since it is looking more and more like it may be inevitable that she becomes our next President, I suggest we get out in front of that likely outcome with a special American proposal for Hillary…

I believe this proposal could actually UNITE our country again, because it involves such a national common interest that we all share…We could bring blacks and whites together again, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, with just this one desperate common need, that being to NEVER AGAIN have to hear her VOICE!

HillaryWallStWe know how dishonest she is, and how sold out she is to special interests…but MUCH more depressing to the nation is the prospect of four…God help us if it were to be EIGHT YEARS of having to LISTEN to her pretentious, conjured, conniving voice as our President. But I’m not saying she can’t be President…

So here’s the proposal for Hillary: We the People of the United States of America, in order to form a less stressed out Union, will collectively agree to let you be President on TWO conditions:

ONE, you have to have Caitlyn Jenner be your spokesperson AT ALL TIMES. If you ever even ONCE speak out loud, you will be impeached…That is how much we can’t take your voice…

We’d rather hear Caitlyn making ZERO attempt to sound like a female, with a voice that makes ‘the Rock’ sound like a little girl, than to have to hear one more syllable from you. And we know what you are thinking Hillary…”Well I’ll just make sure Caitlyn is permanently sick with laryngitis or something (cackle, cackle, cackle)”…

BlackCrowNO, if Caitlyn is sick or gets laryngitis, OR IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER during your tenure as President, for the remainder of your Presidency you have to stand next to an ANGRY SQUAWKING CROW, with close-captioned words on the screen for whatever you have to say to us…That’s how much we, the stressed out American people, can’t take another sound from your voice.

SECOND, We the American people agree to let you be President on the condition that every time Caitlyn Jenner is speaking for you (or the angry squawking crow) in any official capacity, press conference, foreign diplomatic setting or State of the Union Address, you have to be hooked up to a LIE DETECTOR and a “PIE-O-MATIC” machine, with a live feed from the lie detector to the news press. There will be a national lottery from which Americans will have their names selected, for the pleasure and honor of manning the “PIE-O-MATIC” (similar to a dunking booth at the fair).

Each time the lie detector indicates you are being deceptive, Wolf Blitzer will give the high sign, and the designated American citizen representing all of us will have the honor of pressing the button that will mash a large pie squarely into your ever-smirking face. (As we know from experience, this will likely happen quite frequently during any and all of her speeches, so we may be able to draw multiple names for each speech, to give more Americans the pleasure of operating the “PIE-O-MATIC”.)

Will this accomplish defeating the mass corruption in Washington and return government to the will of the People? OF COURSE NOT! Don’t be silly.  But at a minimum, it will be therapeutic! It will provide us with some QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT for a change, and go a long way to relieving a lot of Americans’ stress….

The “PIE-O-MATIC” and mandating that Caitlyn Jenner must always speak for Hillary has the unique potential to UNITE Americans again, and let us feel a little bit of national joy in the midst of the depressing corruption and demise of the American Dream.

Connie Bryan

(Connie Bryan is a writer and comedian in Sacramento, CA…Check out all of her material on her blog and website at


About Connie Bryan

Writer, comedian and musician, currently residing in Sacramento, CA. Former talk radio personality from Central Florida. Currently doing stand-up comedy and producing/hosting a local TV comedy/variety show on Access Sacramento Channel 17. Please see demo material on my website at

One response »

  1. i think it’s from reflux. Lots of candidates sound like they have it, Cait Jenner too, but it does sound worse the higher your natural vocal pitch is. Maybe it’s just me, but crows sound, well, melodious. Then again I’ve been married over 20 years. Might be a coping mechanism.

    Thanks for the chuckles.

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