CoupleJailCartoonEvery time I feel a little lonely and start to wonder if maybe I should be in a ‘relationship’, it isn’t long before I’m comforted when I see the huge co-dependency of sooo many couples who live together. How do you guys ever feel like you breathe a single breath of FREE air??… Always texting because you feel like you and your significant other must constantly be in communication every 15 GOSH DARN minutes!

No, it’s probably more like every TEN minutes…That is not just a figurative leash, it’s a literal “electronic leash”. Matter of fact, that should be the next big thing from Apple…their new I-Phone specifically designed for married couples: the “I-LEASH.”

ManleashpicWith the Apple “I-LEASH” your phone’s video is constantly streaming live, and the microphone is constantly ON, so your wife or husband can virtually always be video chatting and talking to you…encouraging “MARITAL BLISS”:

(Theme from Titanic ring tone: “And III-eee -III Will Always Love You”)…

“Hey”

“I love you”

“Yeah, I know, you told me that 5 minutes ago”

“So… aren’t you going to say you love me too?”

“Of course, you know I love you more, but I’m at the check out at Safeway”

“No I love YOU more! Did you remember to get my tampons? Make sure they give you the coupon price!”…

On and on and on, in sickness and in health, but it seems more like ‘in sickness’ of a sort to me.

MarriageJailI swear to God, I just came home tonight after playing a round of golf, and my apartment neighbor across from me thought it was his wife, so he opens the door. I say hello and he says, “My wife just called me and said she’s home and to open the door.”

No, she didn’t have two armloads of groceries, or he’d have been out helping to bring them in. She just had to call when she got to our complex parking lot to tell her husband she just arrived and to open the door…can’t just arrive home and walk in, without calling first from the car in the parking lot.

If I ever find the right guy….meaning one who proves to me he sees me as an equal, isn’t just looking for a “mommy”,  and someone who can think about more than three things: Sex, sports and more sex…I would expect him to divorce me on the spot if I ever called him from the parking lot just to order him to open the f#*king door for me…

womanonleashBack to the marital bliss of the typical couple with their new Apple “I-LEASH”:

(Love Boat Ringtone)
“Hi Sugar Pie”

“Hey Sweetie Tweetie, Whatcha doin?”

“On the freeway, still driving to work since I left the house a few minutes ago”

“OK, I’m going to take the dog for a walk to check the mail”

Really thinking, “Have a good life, I’m driving head on into that oncoming 18 wheeler” but actually says: “OK”

“Miss you, call me when you get to work so I know you got there safe”

Really thinking, “Bye now, I’m driving head on into that Shell Gas truck,” but actually says “OK”

BrideJail(Ten minutes later – Love Boat ringtone again)

Deep sigh before answering: “YYYelllooo”

“What are you doing Babe? Is traffic bad?”

“Same thing I was doing ten minutes ago, still driving, yeah traffic’s bad…actually I almost hit an 18 wheeler head on”

“Oh my God, how did that happen?…I’ll bet it had to do with an idiot talking on a cell phone!”

“Yeah, I’ll bet you’re right”

MarriageHandcuffsI have a friend who sees this very same epidemic and prison of co-dependence that couples routinely lock themselves into, throw away the key and call it “love”…She says she would get married ONLY if she could find a guy who would agree to live in separate apartments, and see each other on designated days, with the rest of the week devoted to her total freedom and independence. She may be on to something, albeit a bit extreme…I can tell you that happiness ALWAYS equals “OFF LEASH” for humans:)

ConnieHdshtSmallFile1Connie Bryan

(Connie Bryan is a writer in Sacramento, CA…Check out all of her material on her website and blog at http://www.conniebryan.com)

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About Connie Bryan

Writer, comedian and musician, currently residing in Sacramento, CA. Former talk radio personality from Central Florida. Currently doing stand-up comedy and producing/hosting a local TV comedy/variety show on Access Sacramento Channel 17. Please see demo material on my website at www.conniebryan.com.

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