BOBBY, A SMART 5th GRADER, QUIZZING HIS TRUMP-VOTING, REPUBLICAN CONSERVATIVE AND CATHOLIC MOM BELOW:
Bobby: Mom, isn’t Putin a bad man?
Mom: Donald Trump says no…So no he isn’t Bobby.
Bobby: But just last month you and Daddy were yelling at President Obama on TV, calling him a pu**y because he was not treating Putin like the enemy.
Mom: Bobby, I’ve told you not to question authority figures, like how you upset the priest with your questions about the Bible, and about the sexism toward women by the Catholic Church!
Bobby: You mean like how retarded it is to believe that I’m eating Jesus’ REAL SKIN, and drinking his REAL BLOOD at Eucharist?
Mom: BOBBY!! We don’t use the word ‘retarded’, we say ‘mentally challenged’…Hey wait a second, did I just call myself mentally challenged? (Bobby laughs hysterically)…ANYWAYS, Don’t question the Catholic Church and don’t question our new Republican leader Donald Trump!
Bobby: But that is ‘MENTALLY CHALLENGED’…Because they are BOTH CON ARTISTS Mom!…Why would you follow con artists? They don’t tell the truth, AND TRUMP SAID REALLY BAD THINGS ABOUT WOMEN, and it hurt my teacher’s feelings!!
Mom: Look Bobby, I know you have a crush on your teacher, and you want to stand up for her like a man, but she’s just a dumb liberal…Dumb liberal ‘floozies’ are who Trump was talking about, not classy women like his wife Melania…You need to learn how to be like Trump.
Bobby: Sooooo, you mean I need to have fake hair, lie about my taxes, rip thousands of people off with a fake university under my name, file bankruptcy 6 times, have multiple divorces, grab women by their private parts and marry a Russian mail-order call girl and porn star, young enough to be my daughter like Melania?
Mom: BOBBY! You are being UN-AMERICAN! WE ARE CONSERVATIVES!…AND TRUMP IS GOING TO MAKE US MONEY!!
Bobby: That reminds me…My teacher just told us today that Trump appointed the CEO of Exxon, who is an oil tycoon, to be SECRETARY OF STATE, and not only that but he is a close friend and business partner with Putin…You and Daddy used to yell at Hillary on the TV during the debates because you said she was CORRUPT for being Secretary of State AND trying to get rich and make business partners from her office.
Mom:(Totally losing her sh#t) SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BLEEDING HEART PUNK!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I GAVE BIRTH TO- (more calmly) Listen Sweetie, Mommy and Daddy have all our retirement money invested in Exxon, Boeing and Halliburton, and don’t forget you get to INHERIT that money when we die.
Bobby: I don’t want your money if that’s how your getting it…Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of innocent people have died in Syria and Alleppo because of Trump’s friend Putin, and his Russian bombing raids?
Mom: Bobby, those people in Syria are MUSLIMS! Like Donald Trump and Mike Pence say, most of them are pretty much all TERRORISTS anyway!
Bobby: You mean like how Trump said most Mexican immigrants are rapists and criminals?…That’s nothing but racism and I don’t believe that, AND I just heard on the news today that Putin and Russia HACKED OUR ELECTION to try to help Donald Trump get elected! We can’t let them get away with that!
Mom: So what, tell somebody who cares?
Bobby: Well you and Daddy cared a month ago when you were both joining all the other Republicans on the news who were calling Obama a coward for not standing up to Russia as the enemy.
Mom: That was before we realized we could make a TON OF MONEY from Trump being helped along by Russia.
Bobby: I MUST BE ADOPTED…Because a bad person like you CAN’T BE MY REAL MOM!
(Connie Bryan is a writer and comedian in Sacramento, CA…Check out all of her material on her website and blog at www.conniebryan.com )